Personally, I think it can be a need for attention without the poster thinking that everyone wants to know what they had for breakfast. Once you look at responses, too, you see that the breakfast isn’t always the point. I know that the friends on my own Facebook tend to get over-the-top, barely-related responses to anything they post, and I think that plays into it. Someone posts “I put almond extract in my coffee!” and gets “You are the most incredible person I know. I wish I was that creative.” Someone posts “My teaching job starts today!” and gets “Those children will be blinded by your beauty. No doubt they will never have seen a woman as beautiful as you. I envy them the chance to see you every day.” These are not exaggerations. While self-censorship might be part of it, I think that a desire for validation is also part. I doubt it’s a coincidence that saying you had a grilled cheese sandwich could very well result in a reply about your virtues that Chretien de Troyes would find a bit much.

Not that I’m in favor of blanket decrying of online narcissism of course… I think it’s pretty hackish. Basically it just goes back to your “and why are you friends with these people?” point. I just don’t think that hyperawareness of others’ attention leads to circumspection for everyone… sometimes it just makes people performative.

In non-online communication, though, I have noticed that some people come off as self-centered when they are in fact just trying to participate. It can feel uncomfortable to ask people about sensitive experiences (or even not-so-sensitive ones!), so a lot of people offer their own experiences instead. At best this leads to a lively back-and-forth but at worst it makes them sound like they make every conversation about them. It takes finesse. If you talk about yourself too much you sound self-centered but if you ask too many questions you sound intimidating and reporterish. (I usually skip these approaches and just respond the way I think they would — “man, it’s not like you’re getting paid for this!” “Oh, that’s tough because you don’t know if she LIKES you likes you unless you know she likes girls,” that sort of thing — but even that has pitfalls since you’re necessarily making an ass out of you and mption.)

It wasn’t. A family member saw it, flipped out, spread word through the family grapevine, which made its way to the person about whom I had made the comment. Much public sword-falling and private apologies/helpful discussion followed. All is now well, but I will *never* put something on Facebook that can be remotely misinterpreted.

That is, until I figure out how to set up filters to control who sees what!

I tend far toward the side of caution when considering asking personal questions. Meaning, mostly, that I tend not to ask them. I (often erroneously) feel that if people want to tell me personal things, they will, and asking is prying. So I know that I occasionally come across as more self-interested than other interested. But I know me, I know what I’m comfortable sharing, and talking about myself/life/work prevents me from having the internal debate about which questions are “appropriate” to ask.

I now need to go reread my FB status page through that self-censoring lens.

Then I sometimes say “Do you feel like talking about it” That way, I let the person know that I’m open to hearing about the situation (not all listeners are all the time) but that I don’t have to.

I have also been blasted for asking about a current situation. I try not to take it personally.

And finally, I try to find ways to ask questions that could lead to that sensitive situation, but don’t have to, yet aren’t so broad as to provoke a monosyllabic answer. So perhaps instead of “how are you doing” (fine) or “Have you found a post-graduate job yet?” (NOOO!), I might ask “What kinds of adventures have you had since graduation?”

As for narcissism and social media, I think we have to make allowances for several factors. People have varying levels of experience with social media. Some people are getting into it for the first time, others have been using it for decades and know the ropes.

That leads to another factor, which is that it takes a while to get comfortable with your online public persona. You don’t know if your mother or boss or coworker or person you have a crush on is going to see your pithy prose, now, or in three years.

Sometimes, it’s fun to sit back and look at online behavior through an anthropological lens. Do people clam up? Disclose too much? Not enough? You can watch individuals struggle over time to strike the right balance.

As with most things, I try to be forgiving of a wide range of behavior. I’m not always successful, mind you, but I try to make paths in my brain so that others can find their own voice and, in turn, become more genuine.