I sympathize with the Hare Krishna letter writer’s frustration. Clearly, he feels coming out is not an option, and it probably isn’t. I’m sure he knows more about prejudice against his religion than I do.
What he’s asking for, though–for people not only to let him do as he likes, but to cease wondering about his behavior–isn’t going to happen. Other people are the most important and interesting aspect of our environment. Determining why other people do what they do–developing attributions for their actions, hypotheses about their intentions–is a huge part of what human cognition is. Asking people to stop speculating on the motives and thoughts of others is futile.
We are particularly driven to explain behavior that is nonconforming. No one feels the need to uncover the real reason that Jim likes to wear Dockers on casual Friday, but if Jim preferred a leather kilt, most people, if not the letter writer, would devote a bit of brain space to wondering why.
If your first interpretation was “Jim must be wearing the kilt to make fun of management and casual Friday,” you’re probably not alone. We are driven to explain the behavior of others–and often, if we are in doubt, we will make the most negative interpretation. Psychologists Martie Haselton and David Nettle describe humans as “paranoid optimists” who make mistakes in predictable directions based on the possible consequences. Back in the evolutionary day, if someone was acting strangely, you could either assume that they were harmless or that they were up to no good. If you assumed that they were harmless when they weren’t, you might get killed. If you assumed they were up to no good when they were harmless, you had an awkward moment. Given life in the Pleistocene, the occasional awkward moment wasn’t so bad, and even broke up the monotony some. It certainly beat getting killed, so it was generally thought of as best to distrust someone who acting different.
We’re not wholly trapped by our evolutionary history. We can probably get somewhat better, overall, at not leaping to negative conclusions. And some individuals will be very good at giving others the benefit of the doubt. (It seems that the letter writer has learned from his own unhappy experience and doesn’t make automatic negative attributions about others. Good for him–truly. Being discriminated against can lead to paranoia as easily as empathy.)
The letter writer didn’t ask me for advice, but if he had, I would have said something like this: If people have a fundamental need to explain nonconforming behavior, the best way to manage them is to give them an explanation. Is there some other logical and true story you can tell to make sense of your actions? Most of what we do we do for more than one reason, after all. If you really enjoyed drinking, for example, your on-again-off-again practice of your religion would probably not keep you from it, at least occasionally. Why else don’t you drink?
Some people will comment that you have every right to say “Mind your own business” and leave it at that. They’re right, you do have every right to say that. And after a while, the people who know you well will stop wondering about your (quite minor) eccentricities, because they will have grown used to them. But you’ll always have to deal with new people, and new people will always try to figure you out. Which gives you four choices: come out about your religion, move to a place where biking, teetotalling, vegetarianism and working on Christmas don’t attract particular notice (you wouldn’t be considered odd in my neighborhood), give people a story to latch on to, or put up with being misunderstood.
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3 Comments to 'Response to “Letter from a Hare Krishna”'
June 25, 2009
If you’re going to be non-conforming about something as personal and public as religion or food, you’re going to be a touchstone for people’s insecurities and nervousness. It makes *them* uncomfortable, so you get pegged as the source of the problem. Causing people to consider re-assumptions can be a very unpleasant business. It’s part of the challenge of being different. HK might think of it as a spiritual challenge.
I’ve sat some 10 day silent meditation retreats, I have actually experienced people getting angry at me about it. “That’s just useless, I can’t believe people do stupid things like that.” Which has zero to do with my experience, my reasons, or anything except the angry person’s internalized fear of silence and stillness. Or resentment at a lazy friend. Or whatever. Who knows. But it’s got nothing to do with me or meditation.
PS Given my experience of sitting still for 10 days, I bet stone-age life was not so boring and monotonous as we think.
June 25, 2009
Perhaps I’m waaaaaaaaaaay too young but I don’t know what Hare Krishna is (other than a punch line in the Muppet Movie). It’s not like it was one of the belief systems covered in my Intro to Theology class. Perhaps the people he encounters suffer from the same problem I do. He could use this as an educational moment! Believe me, there are many a time I’ve had to correct misconceptions about Catholicism. Other than that, people invent stories to cover their gaps in understanding
June 26, 2009
Most of us like to know the “dirty” details of people, especially when they produce entertaining/disconcerting behavior. Not explaining weird behavior (especially when asked) is going to drive people wild with curiosity. This may or may not be a good thing – you could think of it as justifiable revenge, and occasionally do things that defy all rational explanation to see who cracks first.
Alternately, you could explain. “I have dietary restrictions” is fairly safe and neutral.
Be sure you’re giving the right people a heads up early enough so that your behaviors aren’t adding social stressors to the situation. I regularly organize lunch meetings, and while I ask people to give me their food restrictions/pleasures, many won’t inform me until the day of that they’re a practicing vegan, have celiac disease, and are seriously allergic to peanuts. This not only makes lunch awkward with their colleagues (since they may not be able to eat at all), but also strains office relations with me (as I have no desire to run around trying to find a salad without cheese or croutons or been anywhere near the satay.) If you are doing this (showing up to an office Christmas party and eating/drinking nothing), your behavior escalates from curious to potentially hostile, as it signals that you aren’t willing to break bread with folks, and that’s a major social signal.
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