In which Pam gets it right
Last week’s episode of “The Office” was, even more than usual, a virtual seminar in How Not to Do Things, from How Not to Play Office Politics to How Not to RSVP to a Wedding (“I’ll just text you for directions the day of. And put me down for whatever’s fanciest. Unless there’s ribs.”)
However, there is one thing that Pam Beesley-soon-to-be-Halpert got right, and that she’s gotten right before: how to call someone out on bad behavior.
In this episode, Michael warns Pam that if she lies to him, her baby will be born a liar, because he will imbibe dishonesty through her breast milk. To which Pam replies, “Please don’t talk about my breast milk.”
That’s how you do it. You don’t interpret the behavior, you describe it, as neutrally and objectively as possible, in a calm voice. If Pam had said, “Please respect my privacy,” or “Please don’t say things that are work-inappropriate,” that would be an invitation — as she knows all too well — for a long digression on Michael Scott’s part as to why talking about his employee’s breast milk is not an invasion of privacy or inappropriate at work. Because anyone who will talk about his employee’s breast milk, pretty well by definition, does not understand the concepts of privacy and appropriateness. But he could hardly argue that he was, as a matter of empirical fact, talking about her breast milk.
She has done this before with Michael, most notably when she said, “Please don’t throw garbage at me.” And here’s the thing: it works. It works about as well as anything will work with the Michael Scotts in our lives. He never did throw garbage at her again after that, nor, at least for the rest of the episode, did he talk about her breast milk.
Of course, he continues to violate all norms of social conduct in every other way, because he is Michael Scott, and has the emotional development and social skills of a not particularly cool kindergartner.* This is what’s frustrating about people like that — and we all have them, in some version or another, in our lives — they never generalize to an overarching principle. Tell them not to throw garbage at you, and they’ll just put butter on your desk.
But hey, at least they’re not throwing garbage at you anymore. Sometimes that’s as good as it gets.
*I know at least one kindergartner whose empathy, humor, and sense of occasion far outstrips that of Michael Scott, so if you are the parent of a similar one, please don’t take what I said personally. That’s why I added that “not particularly cool” clause.
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5 Responses to “In which Pam gets it right”
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kindergartner?
Spelling is part of good conduct: kindergartener.
Looking things up before you correct another person is also part of good conduct:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/kindergartner
I don’t mind someone pointing out a typo or misspelling, but do not come on my blog and snark at me again. Got it?
Spelling fights make me squee. Robin FTW!
ooo, hit her again! That was a truly awesome academic smack-down :-)
I have a similar uncool kindergartner maturity co-worker. I’ve had to draw boundaries I’ve never even had to think about at work before. The folks in the office tried several times to politely hint or suggest that it may not be appropriate to randomly hug or shoulder-rub people without asking. I finally just had to very bluntly and firmly say “Don’t touch me” to get the point across. I had similar success with “Please don’t talk to me about your religious beliefs” and “Don’t gossip about co-workers around me, I don’t want to hear it.”
And I learned it all from you :-)
Thanks, JoGeek. (Full confession: I did have to look up the spelling myself when I wrote the post. But I LOOKED IT UP.)
If you watch “The Office,” I think Oscar is sort of the proxy for the audience. He’s polite, rational, normal, and almost willfully refuses to understand why he should have to say things like “Please don’t throw garbage at me.” He thinks that by modeling socially acceptable behavior, and drawing his boundaries in abstract terms, he can manage to get along with his co-workers. Of course, this does not work. But it does make me love him.