Today’s column
… is online here.
I like this one a lot, I must say. And a thing to keep in mind about the “office Scrooges” — I’ve been realizing lately, mostly because of my Facebook network — how many people have lost a loved one during the holiday season. So that “Grinch” in your office might not be remembering Christmas past in terms of cookies and Charlie Brown. She might be remembering it in terms of chemo and hospice. Just a thing to keep in mind.
On the second question, too, about the non-drinker who is occasionally relentlessly grilled — the advice I give applies to other kinds of situations as well. I’ve used it myself, not about drinking, but about not having children. Asking me if I have kids is fine, but if my response then gets the third degree, or a negative reaction, I will say (calmly and cheerfully!), “I’m childless by choice, and I’m very happy with my life. But what if a person couldn’t have children and desperately wanted them? How do you think your questions would make them feel?”
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I wish you would stop referring to people who choose not to attend an office ‘holiday party’ as Scrooges and Grinches. Many people with kids (particularly working Moms) feel badly enough about the little time they spend with their children. Given the choice between doing something with their kids (like baking cookies or going to the Zoo Lights or whatever) and attending a ‘party’ with colleagues, well, it’s not really a choice. The kids win, hands down. The same is true for folks who care for an elderly parent, or just don’t see their spouse enough. There are plenty of valid reasons for not attending a so-called party. Not to mention that many such parties are completely excruciating….
But I didn’t. The person who wrote the question did. That’s why I used the quotation marks in my description. What I wrote was this: “Instead of seeing the party naysayers as Scrooges, why not see them as Bob Cratchits: overworked, overcommitted folks trying to carve out a bit of peace and quiet at this most hectic time of year?”
Which is exactly the point you are making.
Oh, and hey, akmom, you were the 1,000 commenter on this blog! Congratulations, you have just won a meaningless statistic!
While I agree whole heartily with the answer to the first question, I can’t say that I agree with the answer to the non-question: if “required fun” takes place outside of work-time and you aren’t being paid for it, then it isn’t part of the job. Nor is it part of the job, no-matter when it happens, if you are required to pay for it. (Can you tell I worked for places with bad ideas about how to spread “Holiday Cheer”?) It may be politic to attend, but it’s not part of your job.
I really, really wish more people would realize your first point – that good and bad memories have been created during previous holidays, but that those bad memories can really prevent one from enjoying present festivities.
As for the issue of office parties, I do feel that the ones in my office are “required,” not officially, but if I want to not be hated by my coworkers, then I must go to at least some of them. I work in a small office though, about 20-something people, so my introverted, loner personality really sticks out. Lots of people take it as a personal insult when I decline invitations. They definitely think I’m “no fun” or must be feeling sad or angry to not want to be around people.
It doesn’t matter how many times I explain that social situations are completely draining to me, and that I like to keep my work and personal lives separate, some coworkers will continue to not like me because of that. Which is fine, they will feel what they feel, but their feelings lead to a strain on the working relationship.
When I worked for a much larger company, this wasn’t an issue. While I enjoy my work much more now, and do get along with my coworkers for the most part, I do miss the anonymity sometimes.
I work as a grief counselor, and I’d add that it’s not only that grieving people might have bad memories of past holidays, but that *good* memories of past holidays can be hard for a grieving person to deal with. All of my clients right now are having a great deal of anxiety about the holidays because the holidays can just simply highlight the absence of certain people in our lives, or make it feel “more real” that loved ones are gone. The additional societal (or internal) pressure to be happy or cheerful or joyful this time of year doesn’t really help, either.
They might also be Jehovah’s Witnesses, whose religion forbids them from participating in holiday or birthday celebrations. We have two in our office, and they spend a lot of time fending off the workplace cheer this season (as well as patiently explaining to people that no, they can’t just pretend the office Thanksmas potluck is just free food and not a holiday celebration).
I don’t think it’s only grieving people who have trouble at the holidays. A friend of mine is a child of divorce and because of the very specific negotiations and shuttling that were a huge part of every holiday for him he has a hard time during them. He’ll still participate, but he won’t go out of his way to do so and it just makes things worse when people keep demanding that he enjoy himself. I hope that in time his bad memories will fade, but in the meantime that’s what he thinks of at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
I don’t drink and have never found this a big issue. If people are pushing drinks on you, or insisting to know WHY you don’t drink – that is their problem!
Actually the most interest in my nondrinking was when I had a security background check for Naval Intelligence – they were really interested in why I didn’t drink, and asked all my references if I’d had a drinking problem in the past! Nope, I just took all those scary anti-drinking videos they showed us in junior high to heart and don’t care much for it in general. Never saw the point.
When I was growing up, my older brother told me I had to learn to drink, because what if I went on a date with a man and he wanted to buy me a drink? I said if he had a problem with me not drinking – I probably didn’t want to date him anyway.
Don’t know why this is the one that made me delurk, but while I don’t think people should be forced to socialize with their coworkers, it seems to me that if someone hosts an office party in their home–or, OK, anywhere, but ESPECIALLY in their home–don’t you owe them the courtesy of saying “Oh, that sounds like fun, but I’m afraid I can’t” instead of “Hanging out with you people when you’re not paying me is really not my idea of a good time”? I can understand people getting testy if relentlessly pressured to participate in the “fun,” but why is the invitation itself an affront? (My office party is an hour from now, BTW … it’s better than a poke in the eye, I’m just saying …)
Don’t know about anyone else, but I always do the polite negative response to hosts and in public. It’s only with my friends that I make snarky remarks. Kind of like the gift/polite thanks/good story situation in another part of this blog; there are correct forums for different aspects of your response.
FWIW, I have been at work-related parties where a poke in the eye might have been a more pleasant alternative; none of these in places I worked long.