Today’s column
… is online here.
I often have to edit questions for length, and the question from the woman who is often “accused” (her words) of being pregnant was one of them. The full question was as follows:
I am a petite female who has put on a little weight as of the last year. The problem with this, is that I get all my weight in the front, which is bad enough. However, the icing on the cake has been that every week, there is a new stranger asking me, “When are you due?” I have an identical twin who is a bit smaller than me, but gets the same questions (just not as often). I have no ring on my finger, and several friends and family say that I do not look pregnant, just “fluffy.” And with the most recent pregnancy accusation made by an obstetrician – I am angry. It was funny before (I joked that it was a cheeseburger I just ate – which I had ate the night before), but now it has gotten out of hand. My question is, since when is it okay to ask if someone is pregnant when they could very clearly just be a little bit overweight? Also, what is the appropriate reaction? I would love to point out their flaws (i.e. a big nose, hairy ears, whatever), but I just smile and say “no, sorry,” as if it is my fault.
First of all, I am in no way denying or minimizing this woman’s frustration, so let’s get that out of the way. I’m an advocate or ally or member or whatever you want to call it of the Fat Acceptance movement, which I’ve been quite public about, and if I put a foot wrong here, I hope my FA buddies will call me out on it so I can get my head straight.
I was bothered, although I didn’t address it in my answer, by the “I have no ring on my finger” statement. Not all pregnant women are married, and not all married women wear their rings during pregnancy, if they’re prone to gaining weight or retaining water in their hands.
Also, of course your friends and family are going to say you don’t look pregnant. That’s the kind of thing friends and family do. But if you’re being asked every week — and by an obstetrician, no less! — then, hon, you look pregnant. Which doesn’t make it any less annoying, I’m sure, but everything is at least a little bit easier to cope with when we’re not in denial about it.
Last week, I got my hair done, and my hairdresser looked … fluffy. Really fluffy. I hadn’t seen her for a while, and I knew she’d had a baby eight months ago or so. With this question on my mind, of course, there was no way I was going to presume anything, so I greeted her and said, “What’s new?” She looked down at her belly and then at me as though I’d grown two heads and replied, “I’m expecting again, obviously.” She thought it was pretty funny when I explained my trepidation.
So here’s a question: what are, and are not, appropriate comments to make on another person’s appearance? I’d say both weight gain and loss are off the table entirely. (I used to be more on the fence about weight loss, but both learning more about FA — and also having the unpleasant experience, recently, of being congratulated on weight loss that is the result of illness — has changed my mind on that.) Even if someone is losing weight on purpose, there is a chance they will gain it back, and yesterday’s compliments may make them feel even worse.
Deliberate changes in appearance — new hair color or cut, new eyeglasses, contacts — seem like fair game, as long as this doesn’t involve insulting the way the person used to look. “Thank God you’ve finally gotten rid of the grey!” is not how we compliment a good dye job.
But what other general principles are there?
I think this is an area of social behavior where my own parameters are a little bit skewed from the norm. As I’ve mentioned before, I used to be a theater person, and still am at heart. And theater people, because their body is their instrument, can be extremely straightforward about assessing their own appearance and that of others. You have to know what you look and sound like and what kind of persona you project, and if you’re getting it wrong, a good friend or mentor will tell you, in no uncertain terms. There isn’t time for tact and “everyone is beautiful” happy talk when careers are at stake. Sometimes, in fact, given that I hope to do more television and public speaking, I wish I could get that kind of unvarnished feedback again. Maybe I’ll ask my actor friends, if I can convince them to treat me like one of them, and not like “Miss Conduct.”
But outside the greenroom — what’s polite and what isn’t?
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I really think, “You look great!” or “I love your [necklace, glasses, hair, tie]” should be the extent of any unsolicited remarks on anyone else’s personal appearance.
If someone asks for advice or feedback, then that’s a little different and constructive criticism of items the person can easily change (e.g., a shirt) might be appropriate, but I still think there’s no reason to go much beyond that.
I also think it works the other way around — there’s no reason anyone should criticize or dissect their *own* appearance in public, unless simply asking a willing friend for concrete feedback.
I don’t in any way subscribe to the “heads on sticks” idea; I really think our bodies and appearances are important and good. But I don’t think we need to increase our scrutiny of our own, or others’, bodies.
It wouldn’t be out of place here to reprise Dave Barry’s excellent maxim, “You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests…” — oh wait, you did. Nice!
The only comments I feel on sure ground to make are when someone seems healthy and glowing and feeling good, especially if all dressed up for something special. I like a nice general, “you’re looking great!” People don’t mind being told they look great, and most of them can even learn to enjoy it. If the person wants to elaborate, and say, “I started mall walking a couple months ago, and I’ve lost 15 pounds and just bought new clothes” — that’s their choice. If they DON’T want to say, “I’ve just discovered these *wonderful* methamphetamines” — that’s their choice, too.
Also, if someone I already know is looking sick or weary or just much more down than usual, it isn’t sticking my neck out to ask, “Hey, are you okay?” That communicates the concern, without any erroneous speculation. Again, they can take the opportunity to elaborate, if that’s what they want.
We aren’t robots, and we do have an interest in each other. But unless it’s an intimate friend, where you know each other and each other’s boundaries, it’s possible to give empathy, cheer, or concern without having to guess and risk insult.
Heather Armstrong (of dooce.com) has a hilarious answer for when strangers ask a non-pregnant woman when she’s due: “Oh I’m due, alright. FOR SOME WAFFLE FRIES.”
In a professional environment, I can get creeped out when colleagues compliment my appearance a lot — noticing every maintenance haircut and every new piece of clothing, commenting on which days I wear my contacts or my glasses, etc. Even though each compliment by itself is fine, the constant commentary does leave me feeling scrutinized for more than just my work product.
I’m sorry but I laughed out loud at the “Fluffy” comment! That’s what my daughter and I say when we’re “retaining water”! Thanks for the giggle!
More to the point, I NEVER ask anyone about a weight gain/loss…it’s just too fraught with unintenioned insult.
I’m a teacher, and my students comment on my appearance ALL the time. They’re never trying to be mean, but they sometimes lack tact.
For example, I’d been wearing glasses and recently switched back to contacts. I walked into school the next day and one of my students exclaimed, “Ms. TJ, your face looks really WEIRD!” Thanks, kid.
With kids at least I can say, “Hey, you’re right, I do look different. For the record, though, most people don’t like being called weird.” Because they really don’t know yet. Adults are a different story.
Anyway, I basically think that, for grown-ups, something like, “You look nice!” or “I like your skirt!” is the limit for casual acquaintances. Good friends, who can be assumed to be coming from a position of support and/or concern, are granted a little more leeway.
Passing comment on the letter, before answering your question: it is remotely possible that the writer felt like she as being “accused” not just of being pregnant, but of being pregnant without a wedding ring, and that part of her problem is that she is unhappy that people assume she is the kind of person who becomes an unwed mother.
I agree with Eve that it’s not just what people say, but how often they say it. It’s nice to know I look good, but if that’s all a coworker ever says I wonder if they are paying attention to my body or my work. (I had somewhat similar discomfort with former co-worker who used to single me out when he wanted to talk about Israel and single out co-workers of color when he wanted to talk about the NAACP left us all feeling that he was more aware of our elasticities than our personalities, let alone work product.)
FWIW, I make it a point, when someone says “you look good, did you lose some weight?” to thank them and tell them no, I put on 10 pounds (whether it’s true or not) because I so dislike the assumption that weight loss is automatically a positive.
I have to agree with Eve about workplace appearance-commenting. About a year and a half ago, I switched careers, going from working primarily with men to one working almost exclusively with women. I’m still not used to the constant comments about “I love that skirt on you,” “That’s a great sweater,” “That color looks nice on you!” I realize they’re just trying to be nice, but it’s just not something I’m used to, and can sometimes feel a little weird (I’m not that comfortable with my body, so I never know what to say when someone comments on it). When I worked with men, the only comment I ever got about appearance was the day I work my hair down (normally I’m a ponytail girl) and my boss said, “Wow, you have long hair!” And I certainly couldn’t argue with that!
ARGH! I *hate* getting that question. Even if I were pregnant, why should you be able to comment on it? It’s kind of like how pregnant bellies are apparently exempt from personal space bans. I had random strangers coming up and patting my belly.
Digression aside, I wish I had the guts to say what a friend used to when she got that question. “No, why didn’t anyone mention I was fat!” Usually in a very loud, impossible to overlook voice.
Haircuts/dye jobs (or lack thereof — I have enthused about a friend growing out her gray hair and I’ll stand by that), makeup, and clothes/shoes/accessories are pretty much the only appropriate topics as far as I’m concerned. And saying “you look GREAT!” with genuine enthusiasm to anyone I haven’t seen in a while who is looking particularly happy, glowing, or stylish, regardless of whether they have lost or gained weight or neither. (I really hate how “you look great,” said in a meaningful tone, has become shorthand for “you look thin,” and I am pleased when I can say it genuinely to someone who’s actually less thin than they used to be.)
With my VERY DEAREST friends — pretty much Kate and Sweet Machine — I will comment on their skin if they bring it up. (Only positively. “Yeah, I’d noticed your skin looks terrific” or “I’ve been meaning to ask you what foundation you’re using because your skin looks great” while in the makeup aisle or whatever.)
One more exception: I do think it’s acceptable to tell someone who’s been working out that they look buff, if it comes up naturally. I’m careful to keep that as a commentary on strength and tone, not size.
I try to (positively) comment only on fashion choices — clothes, accessories, occasionally a new haircut — or an overall “hey, you look great!” I always feel a little guilty staying silent when there’s a round of congratulations for a weight loss, but I just don’t want to in any way participate in the “skinny=healthy” mythology that has damaged too many people I know.