… is online here. This is the one I thought I had some stuff to say about (not so much last week’s).
See, I’ve lived both sides of that neatnik/slob equation. If you imagine neatness-to-sloppiness on a kind of bell curve, I’m right in the middle: I keep things reasonably picked up and clean, but I’m not obsessive about it. And I’ve lived with two men who are on the extreme ends of that curve: my ex, who was downright monkish (not to say Monk-ish) in his cleanliness, and Mr. Improbable. Mr. Improbable, though a Jewish atheist, tends toward a rather Christian Science approach to dirt: it only exists if you mistakenly allow yourself to believe in the reality of it. (Or, in his case, notice it in the first place.)
So here’s what I’ve figured out about how to work through these inevitable conflicts:
1. Throw money at the problem. Obviously, not everyone can, but if you can, it’s worth it. Hire a housecleaner, and even better, try to get a space that’s big enough that there can be one little corner of purity and sanity for the neat person, and another corner where the not-so-neat person can throw all of their junk.
2. Divide housework in an equitable way, not an equal way. Let’s face it, the person who cares more is always going to do more of the housework, even if that “more” consists only — only! — in thinking about it. The way to keep it equitable is for both parties to accept different roles — I’ll call them the “Brains” and the “Muscle.” The neater party is the Brains. Brains decides what needs to get done, and when, and more or less how. Brains is in charge. Muscle does what Brains asks to the best of Muscle’s ability.
If both parties genuinely love and respect each other and want to please the other and create a peaceful, as well as sanitary, home, this works really well.* Brains is happy because Brains gets to be in control, and can often unload unwanted chores onto Muscle. Muscle is happy because Muscle gets a cleaner house than they would be capable of creating on their own, and they don’t have to think about anything, just do as they are asked.
Both Brains and Muscle should be willing to let go of some of their ideal standards. Muscle may not always do as good a job as Brains would like on a given chore, which means Brains needs to embrace the concept of “good enough.” Muscle may spend more time doing housework than Muscle is used to, in which case Muscle needs to develop mindfulness. Housework can be a valuable exercise in either paying attention to the sensory details of the world around you, or, alternately, turning your brain off and letting all those cool creative ideas kick around on your mental back burner.
And, of course, Brains and Muscle should both appreciate each others’ efforts, and express that appreciation on a regular basis.
That’s what I’ve figured out works, anyway. Of course, it’s very clear here that I’m talking about a romantic relationship (which is what the original question was about), not roommates. What solutions have you found for the Odd Couple situations — romantic or roomies — that you’ve been in?
*If there are unresolved issues in the relationship, or if Brains and Muscle are heterosexual and in the thrall of gender norms, this won’t work. But if either of those are the case, Brains and Muscle are going to have some problems down the road regardless.
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