… is online here. This is the one I thought I had some stuff to say about (not so much last week’s).

See, I’ve lived both sides of that neatnik/slob equation. If you imagine neatness-to-sloppiness on a kind of bell curve, I’m right in the middle: I keep things reasonably picked up and clean, but I’m not obsessive about it. And I’ve lived with two men who are on the extreme ends of that curve: my ex, who was downright monkish (not to say Monk-ish) in his cleanliness, and Mr. Improbable. Mr. Improbable, though a Jewish atheist, tends toward a rather Christian Science approach to dirt: it only exists if you mistakenly allow yourself to believe in the reality of it. (Or, in his case, notice it in the first place.)

So here’s what I’ve figured out about how to work through these inevitable conflicts:

1. Throw money at the problem. Obviously, not everyone can, but if you can, it’s worth it. Hire a housecleaner, and even better, try to get a space that’s big enough that there can be one little corner of purity and sanity for the neat person, and another corner where the not-so-neat person can throw all of their junk.

2. Divide housework in an equitable way, not an equal way. Let’s face it, the person who cares more is always going to do more of the housework, even if that “more” consists only — only! — in thinking about it. The way to keep it equitable is for both parties to accept different roles — I’ll call them the “Brains” and the “Muscle.” The neater party is the Brains. Brains decides what needs to get done, and when, and more or less how. Brains is in charge. Muscle does what Brains asks to the best of Muscle’s ability.

If both parties genuinely love and respect each other and want to please the other and create a peaceful, as well as sanitary, home, this works really well.* Brains is happy because Brains gets to be in control, and can often unload unwanted chores onto Muscle. Muscle is happy because Muscle gets a cleaner house than they would be capable of creating on their own, and they don’t have to think about anything, just do as they are asked.

Both Brains and Muscle should be willing to let go of some of their ideal standards. Muscle may not always do as good a job as Brains would like on a given chore, which means Brains needs to embrace the concept of “good enough.” Muscle may spend more time doing housework than Muscle is used to, in which case Muscle needs to develop mindfulness. Housework can be a valuable exercise in either paying attention to the sensory details of the world around you, or, alternately, turning your brain off and letting all those cool creative ideas kick around on your mental back burner.

And, of course, Brains and Muscle should both appreciate each others’ efforts, and express that appreciation on a regular basis.

That’s what I’ve figured out works, anyway. Of course, it’s very clear here that I’m talking about a romantic relationship (which is what the original question was about), not roommates. What solutions have you found for the Odd Couple situations — romantic or roomies — that you’ve been in?

*If there are unresolved issues in the relationship, or if Brains and Muscle are heterosexual and in the thrall of gender norms, this won’t work. But if either of those are the case, Brains and Muscle are going to have some problems down the road regardless.

Purim is this weekend — very early this year, and I am planning, God and gut willing, to enjoy a wonderful party at my synagogue tomorrow night. For those not in the know, Purim celebrates the book of Esther. This is one of my very favorite texts in the Bible. Ancient — and modern — stories are full of warnings about how women’s sexuality, boldness, curiosity turn the natural order of the world upside down. (Think of Eve, Pandora, Psyche and Eros …) In the book of Esther, it takes a woman’s sexuality, boldness, and curiosity to turn a disordered world right again. It reminds me of Sojourner Truth: “If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back, and get it right side up again!”

Esther is about coming out of the closet.

Esther is about being fabulous and unashamed.

Esther is about facing the music and dancing.

Esther is also my Hebrew name, and when I converted, I gave this talk at my naming ceremony:

I chose Esther as much for her weaknesses as for her strengths. She is the least heroic of heroines. Esther is not a judge or a warrior or a matriarch: Esther is a girly girl. She is pretty and charming and wants life to be easy. She wants other people to make the hard decisions, to wrestle the scary angels of history and destiny. The traditional role of women is not a burden or a constraint on Esther—rather, it is her greatest temptation. Women can get away with not taking ultimate responsibility for our lives. Women can get by on our charm and good looks. Women can sit in the boat admiring the scenery while the men do the heavy rowing. And this is what Esther wants to do.

And yet, when the dice are thrown, she does take responsibility, and when she does, she takes it all the way. Although Mordechai must convince her to take action, she is not simply his handmaiden or puppet. Independently, she assesses his arguments and is persuaded. Independently, she plans a course of action. Independently, she improvises brilliantly and bravely, with lipstick, dinner-party banter, and a bottle of wine.

I look at Esther and I see a warning about the temptations I face.

I look at Esther and I see an inspiration to take responsibility and improvise.

I look at Esther and I see a woman I would like to have as a friend.

Esther’s story is comic, it is improbable, it does not mention God.* The story of Esther teaches us to take control of our destiny, yet always be ready to accept the unpredictable turns of events. It teaches us to enjoy good times but never assume that they will last. It teaches us that we can do great things in diaspora, but that ultimately Jewish security rests on having our own land. It teaches us that sometimes we need another person to remind us to be a hero, and there is no shame in that. It teaches us that the one who is rescued can become the rescuer, that the student can educate the teacher. It teaches us that we must take responsibility without the luxury of signs and miracles, without a sense of being called. Finally, it teaches the most important ways for a Jew to serve God is not through ostentatious piety, but through fighting idolatry and working for the future of the Jewish people.

All of these things I believe.

For those of you who are interested in further thoughts on Esther, read my sermon here. Reverend Victoria Weinstein of Norwell First Parish Unitarian Church, whom I met through her wonderful and oft-referenced “Beauty Tips for Ministers” blog, graciously invited me to speak to her congregation three years ago. Her explanation of the role of image in the ministry is first, and my thoughts on style, beauty, and the book of Esther are second.

*If you are reading from a Catholic bible, this isn’t the case. Catholic bibles include verses about Mordechai praying that were deemed non-canonical by the compilers of the Hebrew and Protestant bibles. With due respect to the Catholic tradition, I find it very important that God and the concept of direct communication with the Divine are not mentioned in Esther. Sure, it may not have been easy to be Abraham (what with that self-circumcision and all) or Moses, but God was telling them what to do every step of the way. Mordechai and Esther must make very difficult decisions under conditions of uncertainty, believing they know God’s will but without the specific guidance of how to make that will come to pass. Like most of us.

As I mentioned earlier, some of my friends have been great about coming through with flavorful but not acidic recipes for me from their own cuisine. I was under the impression that Filipino food is spicy, but perhaps that is only because my Filipina friend — a Fabulous Bureaucrat on sabbatical — is spicy! Anyway, she sent me these terrific-sounding dishes. I haven’t tried them yet, but with this rainy weekend coming, I am thinking that they sound like the ultimate in comfort food.

Chicken Adobo

This is the most traditional Filipino dish. My mother always added potatoes, when it doesn’t have them, it’s just not adobo to me. From what I read on the internet, it seems like there are endless varieties of this dish, including some that are made with fish, squid, green beans or sweet potatoes!

3 lbs of chicken , cut up
3-4 potatoes, cut into 8ths (peeled or not)
1/2 cup of soy sauce
3/4 cup white vinegar
1 or 2 HEADS (yes, heads) of garlic, minced*
2 bay leaves
1 or 2 tsp of ground pepper
salt to taste
(3/4 cup of water if you like more sauce)

Prep chicken & potatoes. I take the skins off both, but you don’t have to. Place chicken & potatoes in a large pot. Cover with the rest of the ingredients except water. It is better if
you let this marinate for at least 1/2 hour, turning the chicken around in the broth.

After marinating, add the water & bring pot to a boil, then turn down to simmer until chicken & potatoes are tender, about 1/2 hour. Serve over hot rice. This dish is way better the next day & is easily doubled. Serves 6.

*Given the way she emphasized that, I guess my friend doesn’t know my own cooking habits! I always use a full head of garlic.

Arroz Caldo Con Pollo
Rice Chicken Soup

This is a restorative soup given to people who have been ill or just given birth. It is good any time & wicked easy to make.

3 TBL veggie oil (I use olive)
1/2 cup chopped onions (I use the bottom of the scallions)
2 TBL minced garlic
8 1/2 inch slices of ginger

2 1/2 to 3 1/2 lbs of chicken (I use legs & thighs, no skin)
4 TBL of patis (fish sauce) or 2 TBL of salt (Not both!)
6 cups of water
2 cups uncooked rice
1/4 cup chopped scallion greens
1/4 tsp of ground pepper

In a large pot, heat the oil & saute the onion, garlic & ginger until the onions are transparent.

Add the chicken, patis/salt. Cover & simmer for 5 minutes.

Add water & rice. let boil then turn down to low. Stir often to prevent sticking, about 25 minutes or until rice is tender.

Now, you can fish the honking big pieces of ginger out now, if you are serving it to others, or you can just fish them out when you are eating it. My mom uses ginger powder ’cause people hate the fishing out part, but I think it tastes different.

Add the scallion tops & pepper just before serving. Serves 6 to 8, or makes a lot of yummy leftovers

I’ve got a discussion I hope will be interesting up on the boston.com blog. Check it out.

… is online here.

I had a lot to say about personal experience with the column that I thought was running today, but the column I thought was running today, isn’t. I haven’t much to say about this one — except that, as far as Facebook games are concerned, if I wanted to help all my friends raise barns, I would go be Amish, and if I were Amish, I wouldn’t be on Facebook, now, would I?

As I posted on my boston.com blog, and as you’ve undoubtedly noticed, my blog presence has been stepping down of late. My absolute priorities in life are getting my health back on track, my column, my Harvard job, and my family, friends, and community. Last week’s Deadline from Hell sent me into a pretty bad relapse that I’m just now coming out of. So blogging has to take a back seat for a while.

I love this blog, and the way it enables me to share all the weird things I notice, to ruminate about theater or psychology or fashion or religion or just about anything. I love your thoughtful comments. And I do hope to get back to daily posting soon. But it’s not going to happen right now. Keep me in your RSS feed (and your hearts), and keep checking my Twitter feed (robinabrahams) for links to stuff I think you’d be interested in. And in the meantime, I thank you for your patience. Once I get off thruster power and back into full warp speed, the good times will resume in full force. I just need a little time to pull my resources — physical, emotional, mental — back together.

I’ll be chatting from noon-1pm today here. Come by, it’s fun! Like talk radio. only with typos.

… the story is here.

… is online here.

I’ve also got an extra feature up — since this was a wedding issue, go figure — about how to deliver a toast. It was written for weddings, but works for other situations, too.

… no posties today.

And there’s so much I want to talk with you all about, too! But we shall have to wait, my dears, we shall have to wait.

Oh, and Happy Birthday to Charles Darwin! I am celebrating by walking upright. Which, as exhausted as I am, is kind of an accomplishment.