Today’s column
… is online here. This is the one I thought I had some stuff to say about (not so much last week’s).
See, I’ve lived both sides of that neatnik/slob equation. If you imagine neatness-to-sloppiness on a kind of bell curve, I’m right in the middle: I keep things reasonably picked up and clean, but I’m not obsessive about it. And I’ve lived with two men who are on the extreme ends of that curve: my ex, who was downright monkish (not to say Monk-ish) in his cleanliness, and Mr. Improbable. Mr. Improbable, though a Jewish atheist, tends toward a rather Christian Science approach to dirt: it only exists if you mistakenly allow yourself to believe in the reality of it. (Or, in his case, notice it in the first place.)
So here’s what I’ve figured out about how to work through these inevitable conflicts:
1. Throw money at the problem. Obviously, not everyone can, but if you can, it’s worth it. Hire a housecleaner, and even better, try to get a space that’s big enough that there can be one little corner of purity and sanity for the neat person, and another corner where the not-so-neat person can throw all of their junk.
2. Divide housework in an equitable way, not an equal way. Let’s face it, the person who cares more is always going to do more of the housework, even if that “more” consists only — only! — in thinking about it. The way to keep it equitable is for both parties to accept different roles — I’ll call them the “Brains” and the “Muscle.” The neater party is the Brains. Brains decides what needs to get done, and when, and more or less how. Brains is in charge. Muscle does what Brains asks to the best of Muscle’s ability.
If both parties genuinely love and respect each other and want to please the other and create a peaceful, as well as sanitary, home, this works really well.* Brains is happy because Brains gets to be in control, and can often unload unwanted chores onto Muscle. Muscle is happy because Muscle gets a cleaner house than they would be capable of creating on their own, and they don’t have to think about anything, just do as they are asked.
Both Brains and Muscle should be willing to let go of some of their ideal standards. Muscle may not always do as good a job as Brains would like on a given chore, which means Brains needs to embrace the concept of “good enough.” Muscle may spend more time doing housework than Muscle is used to, in which case Muscle needs to develop mindfulness. Housework can be a valuable exercise in either paying attention to the sensory details of the world around you, or, alternately, turning your brain off and letting all those cool creative ideas kick around on your mental back burner.
And, of course, Brains and Muscle should both appreciate each others’ efforts, and express that appreciation on a regular basis.
That’s what I’ve figured out works, anyway. Of course, it’s very clear here that I’m talking about a romantic relationship (which is what the original question was about), not roommates. What solutions have you found for the Odd Couple situations — romantic or roomies — that you’ve been in?
*If there are unresolved issues in the relationship, or if Brains and Muscle are heterosexual and in the thrall of gender norms, this won’t work. But if either of those are the case, Brains and Muscle are going to have some problems down the road regardless.
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9 Responses to “Today’s column”
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What’s far worse is when adult children live at home, and have different definitions of clean than the parental units…
FWIW, throwing money at it (a solution I approve of, even when I can’t afford it) is very useful for solving the clean/dirty problems, but not so much the neat/messy ones, because it’s easier for a stranger to come into your house and wash the floor than it is for the same person to put all you stuff away in the correct places. (I was away from home for 10 days this month, and a week later I’m STILL trying to figure out some of the places my cat-sitter, a friend who is here often and knows the place, put things!)
When my husband was alive we did some version of the brain/muscle thing on quite a lot of types of tasks. It worked pretty well, and better after he ended up with his own “brain” roles, as then he realized how much work can be involved in Just Thinking About It.
Love the Brains/Muscle theory…that’s exactly how it is at my house. However, I’d just like to pat myself on the back to tell you that once upon a time I was the person you mentioned in your column whose toes would curl over an unrinsed mug in the sink for a couple of hours. My husband’s car is so filled with junk (and is so dirty) that he literally has to clear out the entire car on Fridays so that other members of the family might fit into it. Over the last ten years of being married to him (and having two kids) although I still consider myself a neat/clean freak, I have mellowed considerably. People can change for those that they love…or rather, learn to let some of the little things go once they realize that no one is perfect.
I would also comment that your partner is not a mind-reader. If you would like him or her to perform a task, just ask nicely. If you would like it done by a particular time, make that clear, too. It took me longer than I care to admit to come to the realization that my husband and I have very different senses of urgency on things (and he often forgets to do things if he doesn’t do them relatively soon). I find that we’re both happier if I say something like “would you please take the drill press out of the kitchen in the next half hour so I can make dinner?” instead of “when you have a chance, would you please take the drill press out of the kitchen?” and then fuming when it’s an hour later and he’s still busy reading the paper or whatever.
Don’t ask why the drill press was in the kitchen to begin with. :)
RH, you are right about change. I’ve mellowed a lot, and Mr. Improbable has straightened up his act a good deal. I think I’ve been really lucky to have been on both sides of the equation. (In fact, I’m still friends with my neatnik ex-boyfriend, and before I moved in with Mr. Improbable I called him and said, “I’m going to be the neat one now! How do you be the neat one?”)
AKMom, also a good point, and I won’t ask about the drill press in your kitchen if you won’t ask about the rubber chicken with a chalk outline around it on the floor of our front room. (I call it “Law & Order: Rubber Chickens Unit.”)
Shulamuth, that’s true about the neat/messy thing. I’ve been meaning for a while to write, either on this blog or the other one or — gasp! — maybe actually a *paid article* somewhere, about the etiquette of housecleaner relations. I *always* pick up before our housecleaner comes over. She has no way of knowing where our stuff is supposed to go. And it’s a good incentive for both of us to keep things relatively picked up at all times.
Veronica, I think this issue is harder in almost any other relationship than it is in a romantic one. When it comes to roommates, I can only say vet them very carefully before moving in, or set strict house rules about common v. private space. Parents and boomerang kids? Man, that would be fraught with all kinds of difficulties.
My solution for the parents and boomerang kids (since I’m a reluctant boomerang), I want a list in writing and when things have to be done. The verbal list reminds me too much if being a little kid and has the expectation of being done RIGHT NOW!
We have a housecleaner in twice a month, and it has improved our relationship enormously! We have very different definitions of what’s “clean enough”, and before we decided to splurge we’d squabble about it pretty frequently. Plus, we BOTH tend to be pretty bad about leaving things out of their places, so having someone come in makes us put things away so it doesn’t get out of hand.
I’ve also learned, though, that my husband needs a space of his own where he can be a complete mess without my interference. Hence, I just don’t ever set foot in his office, we close the door when guests come over, and everyone is happy!
I 100% agree with having someone clean if you can afford it.
Another suggestion is to make sure that you actually *have* reasonable places to put things. A house that’s organized is easier to keep clean (at least as far as clutter—organization doesn’t magically wash dishes for you, unfortunately).
For example, my husband and I now have an actual office, where before the room we called an office was basically a junk pile. All the stuff we didn’t know what to do with when we moved in went there and lived there for years. Now that we’ve finally straightened it up and organized it, straightening up the living room & dining room is much less a pain, because a lot of the clutter can just get neatly put away.
Speaking of clutter, and this is kind of tangential, I think one of the reasons my husband and I have really different levels of tolerance for that is because my parents moved around a lot when I was a kid, and I pretty much moved every couple of years in my early adulthood. Which is one heck of an incentive to keep your clutter DOWN. Whereas Marc’s parents moved once when he was a kid (to the house they are still living in) and he’s lived here for over 25 years. So part of it isn’t so much me being a neat freak and him being a slob as me being ready to pack & go on a week’s notice, because that’s what I’m used to.