5 Responses to “Today’s column”
Leave a Reply
SubscribeArchives
advertising
advice
advice columnists
all internet traditions
animals
Appearances
art
awkward moments
career management
chats
column
columns
communication
communication technology
contests
diversity
etiquette
Facebook
fiction
food
genre fiction
health & disability
holidays
humor
Ig Nobels
Improbable Research
Judaism
language
life in the hood
literature
Milo
Mind Over Manners
movies
my life
other bloggers
palettes
politics
psychology
recipes
religion
style
television
theater
the human condition
Twitter
Count me with the hold-out group who thinks “no-gifts” un- mannerly, however useful and needful. But then, I do teach mid-19th century etiquette. Technically, one should not be giving oneself a party for which gifts are a potential issue; one rather invites one’s friends to a general celebration, and then shyly admits that it just happens to be one’s birthday, anniversary, retirement or whatever.
Mind you, I do teach mid-19th century etiquette. And I’ve been known to fail at my own standards, especially on this.
Technically, one should not be giving oneself a party for which gifts are a potential issue
It’s very common in my area of the world for the birthday person to host his/her own party. I’ve never given it a second thought. Usually the invitation makes things very clear. It will say something like, “You only need to bring yourself!” Or the celebrant might request guests bring their own board/video games for the group to use, or a dish if it’s a potluck, but not a gift that the celebrant keeps. Not once have I ever thought the host was fishing for gifts.
This is one of those things that is currently in transition, because culture is changing. Etiquette is has prescriptive (i.e., do this to be mannerly) and descriptive (this is what mannerly people do) aspects, and there is a fair amount of play back and forth.
As far as I can see the standard in practice, at least in the urban US, is now pretty much what you are describing, Stupendousness; events which might be “gifty” being specified as not. The Official Etiquette People are not all on board with it yet though. Obviously Robin is and most others are coming around. As a matter of principle (because I do the Victorian thing) I enjoy being old-fashioned, just as I am with the use of “they” as 3rd person singular.
FWIW, I think it would still be tacky to give yourself a party, such as a shower, at which presents really are expected, although it’s not tacky for your friends to throw such an event.
Question for the all — what about bringing a present to an event specified no-gift? Is it polite? Is it nice? How should the recipient react?
I agree that throwing oneself a shower – baby shower, wedding shower – is still inappropriate. However, I am pretty laid-back about these things and wouldn’t really think too negatively of a person who did so. It depends on the situation I guess.
For events specified no-gift, I’m still inclined to bring a host/hostess gift, and if the host is the celebrant, then I guess that’s a nice bonus. But I would make it clear that I would have brought a host gift no matter the purpose of the party, and those types of gifts are never extravagant anyway. For children’s parties specified no-gift, I would definitely not bring any toys. Some parents are particular about that, and not always without good reason. I’m not trying to make a character judgment here; I might make the same parenting choice one day.
If I were throwing a party and specified no gifts, but someone brought a gift anyway (aside from a host gift), then I’d still graciously accept it. Rejecting a gift still feels very rude to me, and I’ve seen it happen and felt almost physical pain on the behalf of the giver.
Hmm, but really, in general, my goal is to not offend people. If by bringing a gift I upset someone, then I would be genuinely apologetic. Even if I thought the scorn or hurt feelings weren’t justified, I’d still err on the side of the other party being entitled to hir feelings, and that maybe my perspective of the situation is lacking.
It didn’t even occur to me that someone would reject a gift someone handed them, even if they had been asked not to. If someone gives you a present you thank them for the giving, if not for the gift.
But if it happens to me at a no-gift event (and I generally have a big holiday party not far from my birthday and people sometimes bring birthday presents) I thank them profusely, then say “I’ll put this away to open on my birthday” or “when it’s not chaos and I have time to appreciate it” or something.
This doesn’t always go over really well with the givers, some of whom want a big fuss, but it is better than making a fuss and opening it in front of all the people who did not bring you something and now wonder if they should have.
I do write a thank you note afterwards, that comments on the gift itself.
The only person who have ever given me gifts that have upset me (as opposed to bemused me — I get lots of those!) was a friend who managed to give things that specifically sabotaged something I was up to which she and I had discussed: candy when I was trying to cut down on sweets or a “joke” mug after she’d seen me give all the ones I had to Goodwill saying “I’ve decided I don’t like this kind of thing any more and I need the space”, or like that. FWIW, she is no longer my friend.