I’ll be chatting online today from noon to 1 Eastern time here. You can read the transcript if you can’t participate in the live chat itself. But I’d love to see you there!

Mr. Improbable and I had a mildly bad day yesterday (no point going into details) and were definitely in the mood for some escapist entertainment last night. We found it on Hulu, in this gloriously overwrought Gothic melodrama based on a Daphne Du Maurier novel:

My favorite bit of dialogue was:

“You’ve been drinking!”
“Only at the springs of love!”

It makes me really sad that I’ve quit drinking now, because I probably won’t be accused of having been drinking, and I want to, so I can say that.

Which actually, now that I think about it, does get at something. We’ve often talked about the “witty comeback” and its shortcomings.* Well-meaning people don’t deserve to be the recipient of a nasty crack; ill-meaning people ought to be confronted more directly; the generally clueless (non-neurotypical folks, or people from cultures with different privacy/conversational norms) won’t be helped to understand boundaries by a sarcastic comment that may well confuse them more.

But the surreal, as opposed to snarky comeback, can work, if it lets the other person in on the joke. Look at all the beautifully surreal responses my friends’ wonderful relative came up with for the question of how she lost her arm. The surreal response can let the other person know, “Whatever question you just asked me isn’t the story of my life. But I’m comfortable that you asked, and I’m not mad at you. However, I’m not going to talk about it, so let’s change the subject.”

Isn’t the writing process magical? When I started this post I never thought I’d get from “My Cousin Rachel” to the witty-retort topic! How about that.

*If you go back to that post, you’ll notice I never responded to Chris’s criticism. That’s because every time I tried to, I started laughing too hard. I am fairly sure the shades of Dorothy Parker and Oscar Wilde would be on my side on this one.

I’m a fan of “Trader Joe’s Fan” (repetitive though that may be) on Facebook, and the following most awesome-sounding recipe was posted:

Harvest Grains with Spinach and Cherry

This filling side provides plenty of whole grains and antioxidants in a simple, versatile dish. The cherries add a bright zing of flavor and plump while cooking. Add grilled salmon, shrimp or chicken alongside for a quick entree. Serve cool in warmer months.

1 Lb bag Trader Joe’s Harvest Grains (Israeli-style couscous, orzo, baby garbanzo beans and red quinoa)
3 cups prepackaged fresh spinach leaves
1/2 cup Trader joes’ Dried Pitted Tart Montmorency Cherries
1/2 tsp minced garlic
1 tbsp olive oil

Directions:
Bring 3.5 cups of water to a boil in a large pot. Add grains, olive oil and garlic. Bring back to a boil. Stir in cherries, add spinach to the top of the pot to steam. Cover and simmer under low heat for 10 minutes. Remove from heat, mix evenly and serve immediately. Makes about 6 cups.

How great does that sound? I wouldn’t think you’d necessarily need a meat to go with it, either; I bet with some slivered almonds in there, you’d have enough protein for a good vegetarian meal.

… is generating some very interesting discussion in the comments section. The mother of a boy with trichotillomania wrote in to ask if my answer would have been the same for a man. Obviously, my general principle — that caring for your health overrides the ritual aspects of etiquette — would be, but the tactics might be very different. The conversation also goes into some of the godawful comments that people with disabilities or unusual appearances are subjected to by strangers. As commenter Ridley put it, “[H]oly hell people just don’t know how to talk to the disabled. My limbs don’t work great, but my feelings and vanity are still functional. I wish people would just remember we’re still people and mind their manners.”

I’d recommend checking it out — and I’d love to hear your ideas.

… is online here.

I was particularly pleased with my answer to the first question — etiquette questions around health, disability, grooming, and body acceptance are, as regular readers know, something that fascinate me greatly.

I wish I’d known, though, that the magazine’s fashion column (which doesn’t have all the pictures and “where you can get this look” pointers online that it does in the print version) was going to be about wearing hats indoors, and some of the fabulous hats available in local stores. There’s editorial synergy, and then there’s looking like you’ve got your columnists all lined up to sell ads. I hope we didn’t inadvertently look like we were doing the latter.

I love how whenever Milo chases a squirrel up a tree (and he’s not allowed to chase squirrels unless there is a tree, fence, or pole they can get to) he runs around the base of the tree, barking and barking as though that is going to make the squirrel come back down.

It’s like those guys who will yell at you on the street, “Hey, baby, wanna take a ride in my car?” and when you ignore them, shout, “Bitch, you ain’t that fine anyway!”

The squirrels never fall for it. Neither do the women.

How can you do an April Fools’ Day prank when every day, reality surpasses satire? “Vice President Dubs Health Care Reform ‘A Big Fucking Deal.’” “Oscar Winner for Heartwarming Film about Inter-Racial Friendship Dumped for Neo-Nazi Mistress.” “Thousands of American Refuse to Answer ‘Invasive’ Census Questions While Posting Drunken Pictures of Selves on Facebook.” “Rod Blagojevich to Be Contestant on ‘The Apprentice.’”

As they say, you couldn’t make this stuff up. So I’m sympathetic, overall, to people who fall for hoaxes or rumors at first. (No sympathy for those who run to e-mail everyone they know about it without first checking on snopes.com.)

But today, I thought I’d share my favorite with you, and this, I promise, is not made up. I’m not messing with you.

Back in 2000, The Onion — a satirical newspaper parody — published an article entitled “Harry Potter Books Spark Rise In Satanism Among Children.”

Shortly after, Readers’ Digest published an article about J.K. Rowling. Reader response was positive, except for one woman who wrote:

“I am shocked that Reader’s Digest would put someone like J.K. Rowling on the cover without more investigation about what she really believes. Harry Potter is doing much to further the evil in this world through spells and incantations. It saddens me that parents prefer to look the other way when something is ‘popular.’”

This is where it gets awesome, though. Because a few months later, this same woman — Laurie Rice of Athens, Georgia — wrote back to Readers’ Digest with this gem:

I was angered you did not print my entire comments on Harry Potter (“You Said It”, February) and left important points out. I made these comments because I read an article from theonion.com quoting J.K. Rowling. These concerns need to be publicized. She is an admitted Satan worshipper. There has been an increase in 14 million children into the church of Satan as a result of these books.

The editors responded:

We hope you’ll be relieved to learn theonion.com is actually the website for a satirical newspaper, with a readership of five million. The article you read was a spoof — unfortunately passed along as a fact by countless people. Even Christianity Today calls the Harry Potter series “a Book of Virtues with a pre-adolescent funny bone,” containing “wonderful examples of compassion, loyalty, courage, friendship, and self-sacrifice.” — Eds.

I hope you agree with me that the editors’ response was a perfect blend of snark and politesse. Because you know perfectly well that Ms. Rice would not be relieved to learn this. It’s not as though you or I thought that our laptops were being recalled, and then found out that in fact, they weren’t. Ms. Rice wanted to believe that Harry Potter is evil, and I’m sure she was very, very disappointed to have her “evidence” debunked.

What do you think the odds are that she found some brand new “evidence” right quick-like to support that which she wanted to believe anyway?

Happy April! Fool the day!