I do not get people
August 24th, 2010
My column about crying toddlers in restaurants, and polyamory, got virtually no angry response. No defensive or entitled parents, no militantly childfree gourmands, no traditionalists convinced I am trying to destroy family values by suggesting a father learn to accept his daughter, no humorless polyamorists upset that I suggested they are all open-source geeks.
I am, however, still getting angry letters from people who insist that their dogs do too understand English. And who, in most cases, write with a lack of facility that suggests they believe their own deficiencies with the language must be proof of their pets’ compensatory abilities.
I will never understand people.
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12 Responses to “I do not get people”
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Geez people, your dog understands the tone and inflection you are using while speaking to her. Let’s not even get into any physical cues you might be giving your dog.
It’s amazing what people choose to get upset over. :)
Can some of these people whose dogs understand English perfectly bring their pooches over to my house to translate for mine?
Forget dogs. I’m sometimes convinced that my children don’t understand English (and we’re supposed to be the same species). I have occasionally wondered if I’ve suddenly started speaking another language.
If my dogs suddenly start clothing themselves when I tell my kids to get dressed, we’ll know that I’m speaking Dog.
One can have a perfectly coherent conversation with my cat, so long as one doesn’t mind that she’s just meowing in response to words obviously directed at her.
I can try to be a defensive entitled indignant humorless polyamorous militantly childfree gourmand traditionalist parent if you’d like.
Sorry to disappoint. There was that one gal shrieking “Adulterers!” but even she made no mention of bringing back the stocks or tarring-and-feathering. Sigh.
Yyyyeah, those people should try this:
Tell your dog it’s a worthless dumbs**t, in the loving voice you use to tell it it’s a good doggie, complete with skritches and hugs and however else you show it affection.
Then yell at it that it’s a GOOD DOG, complete with angry tone and body tension and however else you show it you’re not happy with it at the moment.
Then see how good you think its English comprehension is.
(We do the former with the cats all the time. They purr and roll around like idiots. We don’t yell at them unless they’re actually misbehaving, because that would be mean.)
My cat answers to “Fat Stuff” and “Fishlips.” And she’s a Russian Blue, one of the most intelligent breeds. But she’s still got a cat-brain, and I know she really only loves me for my opposable thumbs.
@Rubiatonta, I’m glad I’m not the only one with less than kind nicknames for my kitties. “Porkchop” and “Fuzzy Avatar of Chaos” (or sometimes just “Evil Kitten”)
As the proud human of felines occasionally addressed as “Toe Biter” and “Trouble” (and sometimes just “Oh Shut UP”) I concur.
On the other hand, I did have a deaf cat who lip-read the word “no”, with about the same affect (about an 80% chance of getting him to stop whatever he was doing before I physically intervened) as the word had on my hearing cats. If he really wanted to do whatever it was he looked away so he didn’t “hear” me.
@Shulamuth, I’m not sure which is funnier, that the cat could lip-read, or that he turned away when he didn’t want to “hear” you. (I mean, all cats ignore their people, but how often do you get to see it in action so obviously?)
My older cat is also “Oh Shut UP” occasionally, especially when he’s crying not because he actually needs food, because there’s already food in the dish, but because we’re *IN THE KITCHEN* and not paying attention to him.
My dogs understand english… but my aunt has a dog that she trained in German (German Shepard) so we are convinced he’s confused in all situations except training classes =).
I’m not opposed to multiple spouses, as long as everyone is aware of the rules. I don’t think that that would go over well in my A+B relationship but if A, B and C are feeling fulfilled then what more could someone ask for? I’m impressed with how open minded the father is being, good for him on trying to navigate the process as opposed to trying to change his daughter!
AAAAGH!! Polyamory, toddlers, meh — I have something much more important to be outraged over.
A PhD psychologist just admitted she will never understand people.
If even you can’t understand people, there is no hope for me! AAAAAAGH!
*runs away sobbing in disillusionment*