A dry white whine, or perhaps a “venty” latte
Let’s start off by saying I really, really love writing the “Miss Conduct” column. Getting this gig has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, professionally. All my life, I have pondered odd questions both large and small. I have studied and practiced all sorts of things, from improvisation to organizational change management to Judaism to psychology to applied ethics to mixed-media art, and I never in my life thought I’d have a job where I could bring it all together in a big glorious mix like the column allows me to. Also, being Miss Conduct gives me an excuse to wear fancy clothes and do fun things, like be auctioned off as a lunch date at theater galas. And now and then I think I, and you, manage to help someone along their way. This is an amazing blessing.
But hey. Our spouses, children, pets, and friends are all blessings as well, but life wouldn’t be worth living if we didn’t bitch about them from time to time, eh? So let me get a few “Miss Conduct”-related gripes off my chest. And, if any of you have tips for dealing with said gripes, I am all ears.
1. This is actually a comment I wrote about post: “I’m realizing more and more how many people write to me asking for ‘A polite way to ask/tell someone X,Y,Z,’ when in fact they mean ‘A way to get what I want without making anyone mad at me.’ Which has nothing to do with etiquette.” These folks aren’t always selfish, mind; often they’re concerned with the feelings of others. But there are no magic words. There are polite ways to tell people that their fly is down, that you’d like them to remove their shoes, that you’d prefer not to discuss your IVF, that you have run over their cat, that you won’t be able to attend their wedding. But politeness isn’t a prophylactic against other people’s emotions. They will still be embarrassed, annoyed, self-conscious, grief-stricken, disappointed.
2. The people in #1 are overly optimistic about the Power of Politeness, and they make me sad and frustrated, because I know I won’t be able to give them what they really want. I generally find them well-meaning, and I’m also quite aware that my feelings of having let them down probably say more about me than anything else. (I once explained to my therapist that I didn’t feel any party I hosted was a success unless everyone left with a new lover, a lead on a job, and/or a book contract. She suggested that was putting a bit too much on myself.)
The #2 people, though, are the ones who write in essentially asking me to condone their bad behavior. “I did this and it’s okay, RIGHT?” I hate letting the #1′s down, but these people can be sort of amusing … until I remember that they’re real. And they are actually out there living their entitled, self-centered lives, and treating the rest of the world like supporting players.
This wasn’t a question I received — it’s from Emily Yoffe’s chat on Tuesday — but it sums up the attitude in a breathtaking fashion:
My husband and I are approaching our 50th wedding anniversary. This is very important to us, and we think it should be important to our children, too. Our oldest son, however, seems completely indifferent to such things. At 41, he has a good (if insecure) job and just ONE child to support, so I think he should be footing the bill for some kind of celebration (perhaps a cruise?). Admittedly, he’s preoccupied with career worries, he and his partner don’t splurge on themselves, and since they’re not married, they don’t even celebrate their own anniversary. Still, is it wrong for me to drop hints that something more than a late card would be appropriate this time around? After all, I brought this boy into the world, so I feel like he owes us some gratitude.
Um, yeah. Happily, Ms. Yoffe shot her down good, but still. Dismantling a good #2 can be fun, except you know deep down that they won’t listen to you.
3. Being “Miss Conduct.” Yes, it’s fun sometimes. Most of the time. And I get a kick out of telling people about it, and most people, once they get over the initial “OMG you’re an etiquette columnist I have to be TOTALLY PROPER around you or you’ll judge me,” find it interesting and a good conversation starter. And after about two minutes in my presence, most people grasp that the notion that I require, embody, or even approve of TOTAL PROPRIETY is pretty much a joke, and after that the good times start.
However. I don’t like getting a question at 11:00am on a Sunday asking for a prompt response because the baby shower that the question is about is at 2:00 pm that day. I don’t like it when friends ask me for advice on basic etiquette questions they could just as easily Google. I don’t like being asked to “play Miss Conduct” and solve people’s personal dilemmas at social events.
And this, too, is to some extent about me. Because I really wish I could solve all the problems. But I can’t. And I’m not Miss Conduct the way Peter Parker is Spiderman; I’m a writer. I write a column and two blogs and chat twice a month and if your question doesn’t get in to one of those forums, chances are good that I’m not going to answer it.
I wish people understood that about advice columnists, how it really works. How we don’t answer every question we get.* How far in advance we write the columns. I hate knowing that people are looking to me for help and I’m not giving it to them, and they don’t understand the structural reasons why. (Even more frustratingly, because of the setup of the Globe e-mail, I can’t generate an automatic response that would explain to people that their question may or may not be answered.)
When it comes to being “Miss Conduct” around people I know … that’s an odd one. It’s probably as awkward for my friends, sometimes, as it is for me: obviously, friends share stories, and ask advice, from each other all the time. It’s clear when you’ve crossed the line with a friend who’s a doctor, or a computer person, or a lawyer, but an advice columnist? And the fact is I’ve always been a huge yenta. So it’s a grey area.
Anyway, those are my complaints. Minor, but ongoing. If anyone has any advice about how to handle a guru-like profession while maintaining a normal social life (do I have readers who are clergy? life coaches? therapists?) I’m all ears — but hey, you’re off duty. So don’t write about it if you don’t feel like it.
*Ann Landers used to, but she had a staff.
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12 Responses to “A dry white whine, or perhaps a “venty” latte”
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I know you saw this, of course, but I wanted to share this conversation from my Facebook:
B—-: WTF is Mountain Day? I’m too lazy to google it :)
Me: Asking me to explain shit for free because you’re too lazy to google it is like asking a doctor friend to take a look at your rash at a party. Bad form. I get PAID to explain shit to people who can’t use google.
J—–: Asking your doctor friends to look at your rash is bad form? I have some apology letters to write.
Me: Ha! I’ll wait for my etiquette columnist friend to weigh in OH WAIT, SHIT
J—–: Well you could ask her if you should write her an apology letter for asking if you should write her an apology letter.
Have you seen this site: lmgtfy.com ? (Let me google that for you). Passive aggressive? patronizing? Perhaps, but amusing.
FWIW, I’m not sure that most people do cross know when they have crossed the lines with doctors and computer geeks and the like, either.
I’m a semi-pro manners geek (but mostly for past centuries) but a free-lance yenta, not a pro. I sometimes wonder if full professional status would help with this kind of thing or make it worse, since I don’t have the Why Are You Asking Me For Something Free When I Do It for A Living defense. Sounds like not much.
I’m getting better at telling just telling people politely that the stack is full right now and I can’t possibly think about one more thing, not even a baby shower. And I have gotten much better (over the years and in response to some spectacular disasters) at suggesting that problems have gone beyond conduct and therapy would be a good idea.
What I haven’t been able to work out yet is how to deal with the people who ask a question about etiquette, get the answer, and then argue with me that what they want to do is REALLY more polite because it’s nicer or more honest or heartfelt or something. Unless I’m in full Victorian Lady Manners mode, it’s not like I’m coming down hard and fast (well, except about forks), but if there is standard (or even a range of standards) for something, that’s what it is; you don’t have to follow it but neither can you claim that what you do is correct. And my agreeing with you wouldn’t make you more correct, it would just make me wrong, too.
Shulamuth, this: “if there is standard (or even a range of standards) for something, that’s what it is; you don’t have to follow it but neither can you claim that what you do is correct. And my agreeing with you wouldn’t make you more correct, it would just make me wrong, too” is SO RIGHT! I get a lot of that in comments and letters in response to my columns.
FJ, that’s hilarious.
And I should say, I hope none of my real-life friends who read this suddenly feel all self-conscious around me, and as though they can’t share their problems. That’s another aspect of the oddness, not so much of being Miss Conduct per se, but of being a writer who writes on general, and also personal, topics.
I work in IT. I can’t tell you how tired I am of people asking me to fix their computer for free. And how bad I am about fixing people’s computers for free when I know I probably shouldn’t.
To Hope, I have a cousin in law who does not give his e-mail address to anyone in his extended family, because they already call him too much for computer advice.
To Miss C, good luck figuring out how to deal with types one and two. You’re helping the rest of us laugh, which is always a good thing.
I went to school for mental health counseling…and I’m a residential case manager for homeless vets. I spend 40 hours a week trying to help other people, so when I am off duty unfortunately I become the most self absorbed person in the world. It’s the major reason I’m not dating right now (that and work drains the heck out of me, sometimes I just go home and sleep just to get up the next morning). I don’t want to fix other people’s problems during my time…it has to be mine.
My boss told me to stop being all things to everyone…and I’ve decided to listen to him outside of work as well. I may HATE my job, but I really wish I could take my boss with me to the next stop in my “career”
And I hate when people tell me how fulfilling and rewarding my job is…intrinsic rewards are great and all but they don’t pay my bills and the stress significantly outweighs my paychecks most weeks.
@ Hope: Everyone I know (IRL) over the age of forty-five seems to have decided that everyone they know under that age is toll-free IT phone support. Whether we work in IT or not.
I think when it comes to #3 and the last minute question askers, you need to take your own advice. Look at #1. There is a polite way to tell them that you’re not able to answer the question in time, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get mad at you.
My husband is in IT and gets asked to do people’s computer stuff for free all the time. I have started running interference and trying to solve what I can myself and asking him for help when I need it. (It’s usually my parents that do this.)
I think it’s so cool that you’re this kind of columnist. I read all sorts of advice columns and I love them to death. When people ask what I would do if I could do anything in the world, I usually answer that I’d want to be an advice columnist. Kudos to you! I think you’re doing a great job!
2. I want to go to your parties. :)
3. I’m a copyeditor and people get very self-conscious about writing me emails as if I’d really return them all marked up.
My friends often ask me for editing help. Sometimes I tell them that I’m too busy. Mostly though I do help them. My friend rates range from a coffee to a beer to dinner depending on the complexity of the project. My writer friends just return in kind when needed. And my husband gets help for free. I think that was mentioned in our vows.
And my husband gets help for free. I think that was mentioned in our vows.
Hehe! I’m pretty sure my husband married me for the free writing and copyediting help, while I married him for the free tech support.
I’m a great believer in sliding scales on these things, too.
My greatest peeve on all of this has to do with people who don’t understand what they are asking for. Some requests are easy to meet (I mean, I don’t even need to think about whether or not you really need to send a thank-you note, and I’m generally able to offer word-choice suggestions off the top of my head) but some require a real investment in time and energy. I especially get this around costume design and sewing; I’ve seldom had anyone (other than family) ask me to make something for them free, but people seem to think if you sew you can “just” sew on a new set of buttons or hem their pants or reline a vest and it’s not like they are asking you to do any real sewing.