Bye Bye 101
A friend of mine, a very Distinguished Professor, posted the following on Facebook last week:
I went to a fine dinner at the Charles Hotel this evening, which, among other things was to recognize the outstanding [Distinguished Area of Study] students. I sat next to two of them, who seemed nice enough, but toward the end of the meal they just got up and walked out while I was talking to the person on my other side. Prize winning [Distinguished University] seniors need to learn to say Bye Bye
Obviously, my friend is right. And yet, why do I have a certain sympathy for the vanishing valedictorians? Perhaps they were arrogant, or self-absorbed, or oblivious to the needs of others. Or perhaps they were painfully self-conscious, and somehow — unconsciously, irrationally — believed that they could escape the evening without notice, despite the fact that it was in their honor.
Like the lady who hit my friend with the door, and who believed if she didn’t apologize, he might not notice.
I hate to admit it, but I have a streak of that in me. Just a tiny bit, enough to understand.
How about you?
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8 Responses to “Bye Bye 101”
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I don’t think there’s consensus on whether it’s ruder to leave without saying goodbye or to assume that everybody wants to know the moment you’re about to leave. In general, unless the event is for me and me only, or I know someone is there solely to see me, I let the host know I’m on my way out but otherwise slip out quietly. I’d say the same is true of most of the people I know – all but the most gregarious.
I would probably have made the same call as the students in question if it was a matter of saying goodbye or not to someone who was seated near me at random and who was engaged in a conversation with someone else at the time when I had to leave. I don’t think it’s obvious at all your friend is right; I read this and think she’s hypersensitive and condescending on the assumption that people younger than her are wrong.
I have had sudden, extreme attacks of shyness which have no bearing on whether I’ve been comfortably outgoing and sociable within a group for an entire evening. I’m sure I’ve left people scratching their heads at what must seem inexplicably rude behavior. You’ve described that sudden flight impulse perfectly, beginning with the painful self-consciousness that precedes escape. So I definitely have that streak in me as well; what’s harder to imagine is that both students could freak at the same time and skedaddle without making their manners. No wonder the Very Distinguished Professor harrumphed!
I find saying goodbye to be awkward and I don’t want to interrupt your conversation to say goodbye, but I also don’t want to wait. It could be over in a minute, or it could be over in 30 minutes.
I’ve been to conferences and whatnot and left the table without saying goodbye to the random people seated with me.
It’s also possible that these students although distinguished might not have known the distinguished professor in their field was a distinguished professor in their field.
Perhaps the students were uncomfortable interrupting a Distinguished Professor who was clearly engaged in conversation? I know I would have been, back when I was a student.
I would think that as a Distinguished Professor, your friend could have seized the Teachable Moment. When the students got up to leave, Distinguished Professor could have said ‘excuse me’ to the conversational partner and nicely said goodbye to the students, rather than posting snarky comments about them after the fact on Facebook.
I’m sure I made errors like that at their age.
Presumably they eat in a dining hall most of the time, where interrupting neighbors to bid them goodbye wouldn’t be the common practice, and they just didn’t make the adjustment to a ‘Big Deal Dinner’ level of visibility and sociability.
My elders spent for more effort teaching me Not To Interrupt than they did teaching me when and how to, as the occasions were rarer.
Since that time, I’ve acquired some explicit principles on the subject. I know when a party is so large I only need to seek out the hosts, and not everybody I spoke with. I know that if I enjoyed meeting somebody, I always want to say so warmly (which is why the first greeting is ‘hello’ and not ‘nice to meet you,’) and that people will accept an interruption for that moment.
Take heed and learn, any weanlings who may be listening–your parent’s generation are favorably impressed by attention you pay them on meeting and parting. Making a nice impression is worth some effort.
Over on MC’s other blog, there’s a whole running debate about interrupting other people’s conversations. While that thread deals with interruptions by strangers in public places, there’s an underlying common theme. Some people think it’s rude to interrupt someone else’s conversation and are reluctant to do so, except in the most dire cases.
As someone who has worked in academia all my life, I can attest to the intensity of conversations between academics. I’ve also been subjected to some fairly withering looks when I’ve had to interrupt such conversations (usually as part of my job, but it doesn’t make it any easier).
I suspect the two students in question knew the Distinguished Professor, didn’t want to interrupt the conversation, didn’t know how long the conversation would continue, and probably they needed to leave. It’s possible that past experiences with withering looks shaped their decision to try to slip away as unobtrusively as possible. If they had broken into the Distinguished Professor’s conversation in order to say goodbye, would the Facebook entry have been instead an angry screed about having a conversation interrupted?
Methinks the Distinguished Professor maybe needs to chill out a little.
Count me in the chill out crowd. If a person is engaged in a conversation (and I am not involved in that conversation) and I am ready to leave and the person is someone that I am an colleague or acquaintance I will often just leave rather than interrupt.
If the host/hostess of the event that I am attending is in a conversation, then I try to hang near by so that I can listen in and jump on a pause to say “I am sorry for interrupting, I am on my way out and I wanted to thank for having the party it was fabulous.” I would also turn to the person then the host/hostess was speaking with and acknowledge their presences and be sure to say something like “It was nice meeting you, have a good night and again I am sorry for my interruption.” and be off on my merry way.
To bring it back to this dinner for the students unless the Distinguished Professor was the one that did the coordination of the event, I don’t believe the students committed a faux pas.
I’ll join the chill out crowd, although I feel sad for your friend’s hurt.
My cousin confided in me at a wedding how hurt she was when this happened to her. In her view, other people had got up and walked away from her without a word, or had accidentally bumped into her without even apologising. She began to feel dismissed and invisible. Yet I’d heard people speaking to her. Briefly, but politely.
Is it possible that the Distinguished Professor did not hear them, or see their lips move?