I love my friends

Last night, I wrote on Facebook “See, I woud never survive the zombie apocalypse because I would say things like, ‘Shane, you mean the FEWER guns we have floating around, the better, not the LESS guns.’ And Shane would shoot me.”

My friend Matt responded:

I dunno… I mean, if you shoot an etiquette columnist, that pretty much destroys any credibility you have in social situations later on. Imagine if he gets into a relationship and his significant other disagrees with him about the type of gift to bring, or the appropriateness of a comment he made. He or she would only have to say, “well, remember that time you shot the etiquette columnist” and he’d pretty much have lost the argument. It’s like a mummy’s curse or something! That type of thing stays with you!

Against which my friend Huey argued:

Ah, but throughout history there are many traditions that hold that when you kill someone, you take some or all of their power for yourself. If this turns out to be true, then the person who has killed the most etiquette columnists would have the most authority on the subject.

Of course, to substantiate this one way or the other, I’m going to need a government grant to do sociological research on everyone who has ever killed an etiquette columnist, to find out how polite they were, whether they knew which fork to use, if they knew the difference between a business card and a calling card, and so on. Could take years. I’ll probably need at least a quarter of a million dollars. MACARTHUR FOUNDATION, ARE YOU LISTENING?

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