This just came in, from a rabbi at a greater Boston area synagogue:

Don’t know if you recall, but in one of our previous email conversations you mentioned that you do (like to do?) speaking engagements – and even more, that you are “reasonable”. Since I already know you are reasonable from your column, I take it that you mean reasonable in fee.

The rabbinic mind in action! Love it.

Guess what? I received another letter from A.C., the elderly gentleman in last week’s column. He wrote:

Thank you for running my “unwanted charity” letter. Your mention of book and movie should spur DVD sales and bring the “MO” message to the younger crowd. Thus, through you, I’ve paid forward the couple in the restaurant.

Although ageism is rampant in our society, I somehow doubt many people are bold or clueless enough to patronize our A.C. Certainly not more than once, anyway!

My September 27 column in which I answered a question from a woman whose mother makes her “feel as though I am always walking on eggshells around her, waiting for her to explode at something that I say,” got a lot of response from readers. If you have someone like this in your life, please know two things:

1) You can get help, and

2) You are not alone.

One person sent in a link to a very thought-provoking quiz to determine — are you one of those people around whom others walk on eggshells? (Goodness, that was syntactically awkward, but you know what I mean.)

She wrote:

I am not kidding when I say my mother could answer “yes” to 2/3 of the questions. It’s a nice impartial way to see if you are over-reacting or if the person in question is just having a bad day. But that’s not its only purpose. Shouldn’t we all determine if we are difficult, and not realizing how others feel about interacting with us? Most of these behaviors are routed in bad manners. Treating others with dignity, respect, kindness and not embarrassing them is the key to any relationship, whether you know them intimately or not.

Thank you for sharing! And do check out the quiz.

Today’s “Miss Conduct” column is online here.

Also, I’ve been meaning to share a very special letter that came in a week or two after my July 12 column. In that one, I answered a question from a fourth-grader, which delighted me because that is the youngest person, as far as I know, who has ever written in. I don’t know if it was a boy or girl–the e-mail was signed only with initials (kid reads the column and knows the protocol, apparently!) and was sent from the mother’s e-mail.

Here is the child’s question:

I am 10 years old. My fourth-grade teacher taught my class that girls always go first and boys are to hold doors and help girls with their coats. He says that when a girl comes to or leaves the table, boys are supposed to stand up. A lady’s job is to help the men be gentlemen by letting the men do these things. These guidelines seem old-fashioned and unfair. My mother suggested I ask you what current etiquette should be and what it may be when I am an adult?

And here is my response:

Some people think etiquette should be different for boys and girls or men and women, like your teacher does, and some people think it should be the same for both. People who think etiquette should be gender-neutral (the second kind) still practice good manners but don’t think it should depend on who’s a boy and who’s a girl. They will hold the door for someone who has packages or who is behind them, and stand or not depending on how formal the occasion is and how old the person is that they’re greeting.

Mostly, at work or school, manners are the same for men and women. People are likely to be more traditional about etiquette in dating or social situations. So it’s good to learn both ways. Etiquette isn’t just one thing; there are different manners for different situations — just like you have different clothes for school and soccer and church. Since you asked, though, I do think manners are changing. Probably by the time you are an adult most people will practice “same for both” manners, except for a small handful of people who don’t and are very angry at the people who do and write letters to people like me about it.

That last line is emphasized for reasons that will shortly become obvious, because here is the totally awesome letter I got in response:

Dear Ms. Ill-Mannered:

You contend that men and women will be treating each other the same in
terms of manners and etiquette.

You could not be more wrong, and it’s a sign of your own narrow views that you do not recognize this.

Do you open car doors for men and make sure that their coats (or dresses, in some cases) do not become caught in the door? No, and you never will.

Do you take a man’s arm to steady him (not for him to lean on) across an
icy sidewalk? No.

Do you jack up the car to fix a flat tire while the man stands to the side
of the road? No.

If an intruder came into your house – and you did not have an opportunity to immediately call the police, or if you and you husband (or wife, as the case may be) are confronted on a sidewalk by ruffians, do you stand in front of your partner and say “Darling, let me handle this.” ? No. You depend on him to protect you and put himself into harm’s way. That is how the vast majority of people behave.

I could go on and on.

You are clearly trying to social engineer young people. That’s wrong. It
is not up to you to do that. It’s up to their parents, their church, and whomever other people or groups their parents appoint. Or do you feel that you always know better?

Let us be clear that you gave the young lady factually incorrect
information in order to inject your own factually incorrect views into the
matter. You lied to the young lady, in effect, and I think you know it.
In a sense, you’re a predator, setting yourself above parents and society
in terms of morays (sic).

How sad that you set yourself above traditonally-minded people with your misguided superiority complex.

Perhaps another more objective advice columnist could straighten you out?

Would you consider that?

Okay, kids, I don’t have all the time in the world this morning, so I’m just hanging this paper target on a tree for y’all. Take your own best shots in comments. Extra points to anyone who can come up with a good “moray” joke.

(Okay, okay, just two of my favorite logic fails: Good job trying to convince me I was wrong by behaving exactly as I already predicted a small number of cranks would. Also, the LW says that it’s not up to me to “social engineer” young people, because that’s the job for their parents and whomever their parents appoint. Which, if you read the child’s original letter, would be, um, me.)

Yesterday’s column is online here. Last week‘s dealt with cell-phone rudeness and when to celebrate birthdays. One reader shared her thoughts on both:

Cell phones:
When eating out with friends, I said, “I am turning my cell phone off. I
find it so disconcerting when cell phones interrupt my time with friends.”
Then when a cell phone at the table rang, I said, “Oh dear – did you forget to turn yours off?” It worked!

Birthdays:
I have always claimed a “birthday month”, doing my best to celebrate as
long as I can. Many of my friends have adopted this as well. For one dear friend whose birthday falls on the 31st, I buy a “Happy Birthday Month” token gift and leave it at her front door. Then she gets her real gift on her birthday. She outdid me one year – she had a canvas tote embroidered with my initials. It contained 31 gifts – one to open every day!

Charming! She sounds like a fun friend.

My birthday was last Tuesday, and I celebrated, if that’s the word, by going on the “Today Show”! This past weekend, though, Mr. Improbable took me to Montpelier for the much-needed weekend getaway that was my real birthday celebration.

… because it is making my throat hurt a little bit.

As requested, BobP, the winner of the Clerihew Contest, contacted me with his address so that I could send him his prize autographed copy of Mind over Manners. He wrote:

Hi Robin – Thanks for sponsoring the Clerihew contest. It was great fun and I look forward to reading your book! I had another idea. I wondered if I made a donation to your favorite charity, you would send an autographed copy to the #2 finisher, the soldier in Iraq. It was a close contest, and I’m sure that everyone who participated as a contestant or a voter has admiration and gratitude for his day-to-day sacrifice and service. Please let me know what you think.

You got it, BobP. No donation necessary. (Between you and me? I was going to send that soldier one anyway.)